Kate told me tonight that she was thinking that maybe sometime this week, we could try having me sleep in her bed again.
However, I think I ruined things when I told her later tonight that if I didn't have any attachments, I would leave the church, and just kind of start my life over again. I think she felt that i was saying that she and our little boy were getting in the way of my "finding myself." But that wasn't what I was saying. Simply, if there were no consequences, I think I'd take a path other than what many people would expect me to take.
All of this honesty is really taking its toll.
We went furniture shopping today. It was fun. You know, it's so easy to just make things like they used to be. But for some reason, I just can’t give up on the feelings and thoughts that I’ve had. I feel like I’ve awakened to my complete self, and I’m not ready to reject that yet.
Afterwards, we came home…ate pizza…mmmm…Papa John’s…and then watched t.v. Actually, before the t.v. watching, I talked to Travis quite a bit on the phone. He may have thought that I was thinking about “coming out” but I assured him that I’m not gay. However, in some ways, I feel like I’m “coming out”…coming out and accepting myself for who I am…even though it means that I could lose everything that is dear to me. And when I look at my sweet little boy, I wonder how I could ever make a decision that would mean I didn’t get to be here with him every day of his life. It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart to break her heart…I know I’ve said that before…but I keep questioning whether or not I’m just being selfish.
Travis told me that coming out was the hardest things he’d ever had to do in his life. That of course came as no big surprise. As far as beliefs go, he just said that as he got older he didn’t believe the same things he believed as he was younger. I can totally understand what he means. I sometimes feel guilty or selfish for feeling like I don’t believe what I used to believe, but I don’t know if that’s my fault. It’s not like I went out determined to change my beliefs…I’m just being honest with myself. However, I do realize that there are those that share the same beliefs that I used to share that would say that I’m actually just lying to myself. Maybe I’m just telling myself this, but it doesn’t seem to me that I’m just making this up…but maybe I am.
Tonight, after putting our little boy to bed and watching t.v., we read scriptures and started talking again. Kate told me how her mom had always had faith that the church was true, but that there came a point in her life when that wasn’t enough. It was good to hear that. She said that it took her months to actually gain a testimony. But she wanted to gain one. I’m not sure that I’m ready to act on one if I had one. But I’m trying to put myself in a position that I can have that desire. I believe that desire is necessary if I am to receive a testimony.
Kate said that she told her mom everything that had happened, and that she (her mom) just started crying. I feel bad that happened. I feel bad to let so many people down. This is the type of thing that I was trying to avoid. But I knew when I talked to her that this was inevitable…and I’m ready to face up to it. There’s a part of me that wishes I had said nothing and that everything would go back to the normal happy life that we had. But it wasn’t real. I think I’m ready for reality.
Maybe I’m just thinking too much…well, I know I’m thinking too much, that’s what I do. But I’ve complicated everything it seems. It’s just…I’m afraid of coming off as selfish, leaving my family and then finding out a year down the road that I made a serious mistake. But it is for this reason that I’m simply going to be honest about my feelings and thoughts, and eventually what is to be will manifest itself. If we are to stay together, even though I’m not the man that everybody once thought I was, even though I don’t believe the things that I once thought I believed, then great. But if not…it will become apparent. It isn’t about giving up anything. It’s about living consistent with your thoughts, feelings, beliefs…and everything else that makes you you. And when you are true to yourself, the life you should lead…the best life for you will come together.
This log actually was written on Jan 01 2004.
What a roller coaster. Last night we had a great time at the neighbor's house for a New Year's Eve party. We had decided before we went over that we would kiss to ring in the New Year, just so our friends didn't assume that anything was wrong. The party was very fun. It was so nice to just get out and relax and be with other people. We didn't feel uncomfortable at all. It's amazing to look at the other couples and notice how we Kate and I could not be together at all and yet, it didn't seem odd because none of the other couples really stayed together much.
When we came home we had some sparkling cider. We were pretty relaxed around each other and it felt really nice. It's so weird that we're best friends, and yet we have to hold back a bit because we're trying to work so many things out.
Well, we ended up in the bedroom, sitting on the bed just talking and drinking the sparkling cider. Pleasant banter quickly became difficult questions with even more brutal answers. By the end of our discussion I practically said that I still wasn't sure that I really loved her, that I felt like i wanted to be faithful to her and continue my life with her. She was very upset, and this time I didn't know if I could ever take back what I said, or what she took from what I said. I went to bed feeling sick to my stomach (I think a combination of feeling bad for the way I made her feel and a little too much sparkling cider a little too late).
Things weren’t much better this morning, nor did I expect that they would be. In the afternoon, we worked out a lot of our goals for this year, but she was very cold during the whole process. I knew she had a wall up as a defense, but I also knew that there would be no breaking down of the wall. I just had to sit there and accept the fact that she wanted to be mad at me…she had every right to be mad at me. But it’s hard for me not to want to make her stop being mad at me. It’s so much a part of my nature to want everybody to like me and never be upset at me…but this is something I need to change. I need to be responsible for my decisions, I need to be sure about them and accept the consequences of them. Not everybody is going to like all of my decisions…but if they come from my heart, if I am doing what I believe to be right, well, then I need to have the courage to make them.
The problems I’m facing lately is that the thought of leaving the life that I’ve created for myself…well, it is a selfish decision. I rationalize things a bit by saying that it’s better that I do this now, rather than 20 years down the road when Kate wouldn’t have as good a chance of finding somebody else. But I realize it is selfish. But, on to the happenings of today.
Later on, as we were talking, I told Kate that I was a bit worried that I’d be tempted to look at porn again. We started into a discussion that was pretty serious for the most part, however, she kept laughing a bit. The problem was that all of the talk of porn and sexual desires had caused both of us to get a bit aroused. There was so much sexual tension in the room, and it did make kind of a humorous situation.
Well, we finally finished our discussion and headed upstairs to take a nap. She invited me to take my nap in the bedroom so I wouldn’t be “tempted” while I was alone. She had a blanket, and I had none, so I eventually left to get the blanket that we had bought while in Mexico. Upon returning to the room, this time with the brightly colored Mexican blanket, Kate mentioned how my blanket still kind of smelled unpleasant. So then she offered to share her blanket with me. I knew what that meant. It was an invitation. I didn’t really know what to do. On one hand, I really wanted to have sex with her. But on the other, I knew that, while she wanted to have sex with me, she wasn’t really emotionally ready to forgive me or trust me…and that meant that after having sex with me she’d probably cry and be upset with herself.
Well, before anything happened, the phone rang. It was the Bishop calling to see how I was doing. How’s the for timing? Maybe it was a sign. After the phone call, we said that maybe it meant that we shouldn’t be doing what we were wanting to do. And then we stopped talking…and I kissed her. It was wonderful. It was magical. It was new, fresh and exciting. It was the combination of having sex with a stranger and with your closest friend that you love with all of your heart.
After we climaxed together…at the same time (it really was very…wonderful), she started to cry. I held her…and we talked…and then...the talking led to more arousal, which led to more kissing, which led to more sex. Mmmmm…that was good too.
After that, our little boy awoke, and we eventually got out of bed and got him. We were a lot more relaxed now, but she was perplexed about what to do in the future. She still felt bad that she had “given in” and let us have sex.
And to tell the truth, I feel a little bad about it as well. It was really amazing, and I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m just worried that I don’t feel a strong enough commitment yet…a commitment to never leave, to never stray, to never want to play the field or pursue a different life. But what I told her, and I believe this is true, is that I want to work to keep our family together. And I promised her that I would be honest with her and myself about my feelings…my true, sometimes dark, feelings. If I was wanting to look at porn, or if I was feeling like I really didn’t want to be faithful, I’d be honest about it. That way, we would avoid the problem of me just pretending to be a good guy that loves my wife, while deep down, I’m wondering what it’s like to sleep with the neighbor’s wife (just a side note, I have no desire to sleep with any of my neighbor’s wife’s).
There is still a problem though. I haven’t abandoned the idea of abandoning my life. I think that Kate thinks that I have (though I don’t think that she trusts that I have completely). But….I don’t know…I keep thinking that I’m just being selfish and I should just try to make my marriage work, and be open about my feelings and if it ends up that I really can’t make this marriage work…it will become obvious and will be out in the open. The thing that concerns me is that in order to save Kate’s feelings, and in order to lighten the heavy, ugly tension that we’ve had…I’m no longer going to mention the desires I have to start a new life. And I guess that isn’t being very open…but she just feels so much rejection whenever I talk like that. And I can’t stand to live with her, and see her so depressed and lost…and know that I’m the cause of all of that pain that she’s suffering.
It’s for this reason that I still wonder if we should just separate for a few weeks. But I’m not going to entertain that notion until I talk with the counselor. I’m going to be open about all of my feelings, thoughts, concerns, etc. and I’ll do what he recommends. You never know, maybe he’ll recommend that we separate for a while. Maybe he’ll recommend I just get my butt in gear and take control of the life I have…and be happy with it because it’s probably better than I deserve.
Oh, one last funny note. We watched the movie Alex and Emma tonight. The ironic things about this movie is the main character is in love with a girl that he really can’t have, and isn’t good for him, but he’s in love with her beauty and the passion of the whole idea of loving her. In the meantime he also falls for a girl that is great for him and cares for him, etc. but he ends up leaving her to pursue the other girl that’s really more of a fantasy. Well, it all just really hit home…a lot…with my current situation.
It also strengthened my resolve to write…which is probably why this entry went on for so long.
How can you find what you’re looking for when you never look for what can be found? (just a thought I thought...it's only slightly related to what I'm going through, but it is a pretty clever little thought...i thought...)
