It's been a long day. Sara and I went together for another session Joe and Heidi and Julie. It was nice...relaxing...kind of fun. I didn't test for needing any homeopathic meds...which i was happy about. In between sessions, we hung out at the nearby mall and had lunch. Oh, and i bought a shirt. And i got a good deal on it too...
I like spending time with Sara. I kept wanting to hold her hand. I don't know...I like her to be happy. I was thinking about this today, do i want to make her happy out of some obligation, or is it because i love her. Do I feel that because i love her i can't be myself, or feel fulfilled, or have my needs met? This sounds so cliche but is love really enough. Arghh...I just don't know. I love her...but i don't want to be married to her right now. She is so amazing, we have so much fun, but..i don't know...i guess i'm just selfish.
After all the healthy health stuff we did, we went to the Divorce Mediation group of Utah. That was an ordeal...Ugh...Sara was crying, I wanted to cry, but I was the reason we were there. I marked on the form that i wasn't sure when i wanted to go through the divorce process. To tell the truth, i think the reason why i'm still a little unsure is because i could actually see myself wanting to be married to her in the future.
What the hell am i doing???
We had a very silent drive home. I left shortly after. She called me about an hour later asking to meet me at Neilsen's, which I did immediately. We got a custard and then went to the junior high where we walked down the field, sat and talked. She told me that she felt like she finally got her answer that it's okay for her to now ask for the divorce.
For some reason it really hit me hard. The tears welled up in my eyes and i couldn't really speak. Here I am, the man asking for a divorce, and now that she's ready to give it to me...I'm torn apart again.
I hate that she has to go through all of this. I hate that she has to cry herself to sleep at night, that she doesn't have anybody there to put her back in bed when she's sleepwalking. I hate that I'm the one putting her through all of this. I do love her. And I don't want her out of my life.
It was a long drive home.
I hate this.
Quick update (we're talking really condensed version here):
Sara and I are still talking, but we're going to the mediator on Wednesday...when i told her about the appointment, it was a big shock and it was a really bad idea for me to tell her about it while she was at work. I felt bad that it came as such a surprise and that it affected her so much...i don't know what i was thinking, but for some reason i didn't think it would come as much of a surprise to her.
Sometimes...i still wonder if i'm doing the right thing...sara is such an incredible person...a wonderful mom, a great wife, and just an amazing woman in general...am i insane????
Starting a business with Wyett...we met the other day...this is going to be fun.
Dating a girl from one of my classes...her name is Elise...she's tall, blonde, fun and from Norway. I really like her, though we've kind of avoided any strong emotional connection mostly due to the fact that i'm still legally married and she's heading off to Norway in a couple months. Actually, she thinks i'm divorced, which is what i told her because a) i thought the divorce was immenent and b) i didn't expect for things to get very serious between us. I'm sure there will be more to come about her.
I'm learning to speed read...again...i bought a book.
I'm on another improvement kick...can't you see...i'm writing in my journal again.
I have been more honest in this post than i ever have been in a journal. i can't believe that i actually told the truth about Elise...that was really hard for me, but i have to face that facts of what i'm doing...too much pretending to myself was what got me into this problem to begin with.
I think i used to think that if i just rewrote history, that would make my life what it was "supposed" to be. But now...i really need to work with accepting my life for what it is, making it what i want it to be, and being accountable for what it becomes.
oh wow...i really like what i just wrote...i think that is one of the big reasons why people like me should write in a journal from time to time.
