Today has been a hard day. Sara asked me last night if there was any reason why she let me stay for the rest of the month. I told her I couldn't think of any, but that I wasn't ready to go yet. She gave me a few conditions that I'd have to meet in order to stay, and I told her that I'd give her an answer today. Then today came, and I basically told her that I didn't think the conditions were going to help. That I wasn't ready to leave yet, because I wasn't sure that I wasn't making a mistake. After some talking she sat there was just thinking. I remarked how I imagined that she was thinking, "I can't think of a good reason to let him stay, but I'm not ready to tell him to go yet." She said that pretty much summed up what she was going through. And then she asked me if I was committed to making this marriage work, yes or no. I told her that I didn't think I was. I felt like I could become so. But that at this point the only reason why I was trying to make it work was to keep her from pain and so that everybody close to me didn't think I was a bad guy.
It's so hard and scary to tell the truth like that. My heart was pounding so hard. She then told me that I should pack my bags and leave Monday.
Later this evening my parents came by and we eventually told them everything. I could tell they were heart broken, and upset. They asked a lot of questions, and often acted like I was being such a selfish moron. They may be right. But I can't seem to kick this feeling that I have. It was so hard to talk to them. So hard to let them down, to disappoint them. My mom feels somehow responsible, and I knew she would, but I don't know how to prevent that. I just started crying as they slowly sulked out the door. They seems so disappointed, lost and helpless.
I feel awful for all the pain and sorry I'm causing so many people. But in the end, I feel like I'm doing this for the best. I know they can't understand that now, but maybe they will someday. It's weird, cuz I can see it so clearly, and feel it so strongly, and yet, I can't explain it...there are very few people that understand.
Thank God for those Few People
This weekend we went down to St. George for Devin's homecoming. Just before we got to Salt Lake, Sara said that she wanted me to take her back. She finally made me get off the freeway. After I got off on the 6th south ramp, she said that if I could give her any hope of me wanting to try to make things better, that she would be okay with going. I got back on the freeway.
We talked almost the whole way down. I kept feeling cornered in many ways. In most ways, I don't feel like I want to work on this marriage. I often want to just give up and try again. Or, i just want to take some time off and figure out who i am and what i want. However, there are many times that i can see that i'm making the mistake of my life and that i shouldn't give this up and i should try to make things work. But when i start feeling that way, i start worrying about the future. I start worrying that if i go back now, i would have never actually figured out who i was like i wanted to. I'd be making my decision based on my desire to not lose what i have, rather than because i desperately want what we could have. I fear that i would end up lying to her again. That i would start looking at porn, or flirting in chat rooms and then not want to tell her and start this cycle all over again.
The weekend actually went better. I had said that I would try harder and she chose to believe me. We slept together (though, no sex) and had a nice date as well. However, during the drive back, it was clear that things hadn't changed that much. I still can't give her what she wants, and until I can she's miserable. We finished our discussion before heading off for bed tonight. It ended that she's still going to give me until the end of march to find a place to live. She still has the hope that during that time I will come around and start trying to make our marriage work. Actually during part of our conversation, she realized that that is probably not going to happen, and that maybe we're just wasting our time by waiting. But our birthdays are this month, and we already have tickets to the Celene Dion concert in Las Vegas...so, we both would kind of like to wait until after we get back from that. Is that crazy or what?
Still...I think it will be fun.
When we talk about arrangements with me visiting Sam, the reality of everything hits me. I love him so much....his happy nature, his loving way about him. I can't bear the thought of being away from him so much. It just makes me start to cry. And what about when he realizes he misses daddy...and wonders where daddy is all the time. It just breaks my heart. But I don't know what else to do. I don't know what else would be better for him. I can't change the way i feel right now...if i tried, i'd face certain failure. Sometimes there is no good solution when trying to do the best thing for the ones you love.
And I love both of them. I think I do hope that I will be able to really change...to really come around to being the husband and father that I'd like to be. Honest, open, and loving with all my heart.
