Getting Life Organized Well, here's another free-form entry to flush whatever's in my brain. Actually today I don't think I'm going to write for as long--I realize this probably defeats the purpose of this little writing exercise, but I really want to spend some time working on my "personal constitution" while I have a bit of free time this morning. That said, I do think that the whole process of figuring out my goals, values, principles, etc will be facilitated by getting a few things out of my head before heading jumping into that ocean of ideas. You see, after working with a fountain pen and a notebook for a few weeks, I've finally evolved back to a palm pilot. I'm feeling a bit of emotional detachment from the pen and paper though, and I swear there's got to be a way to incorporate both. I kind of think that ideas and creative reasoning should happen in the notebook, and the structured, recurring stuff should happen with the palm. I realize I don't have any money, and so buying a palm may have been a little premature, but I've consoled myself by deciding that it's good to feel a little bit guilty about purchasing something to help manage your time because then there's a better chance that you'll actually use it. It's also going to be the first time that I haven't used the Franklin Covey system of Life management. But that's okay; I'm kind of coming to my own conclusions on how a life is best managed. I've decided that I want to write a personal declaration of independance, constitution, and bill of rights. This will help me define what my values and principles are, and kind of center me while I'm trying to write plans, goals, etc. The challenge that I run into a lot of times is that I want everything to be perfect, although I realize that it's best to just start, accept what comes first, and then improve upon it as it becomes necessary. For some reason that's hard for me to do--but I'm going to overcome it. Who knows, maybe writing these blogs in the morning will help me actually finish the work that I often "intend" to do but never get done.
Morning Thoughts I heard some research yesterday that said that if the first thing you do in the morning is just write down anything that comes to mind for 45 minutes, you will think more creatively for the rest of the day. Now I've always wanted to consider myself a creative person, but I'm finding with the challenges of starting a new business and trying to find ways to get money, I've decided I could use a bit more creativity. Besides, I think sometimes when we think of the word "creative" our minds are filled with images of these weird people that march to the beat of a different drummer, and have their own "artistic" way of expressing themselves--rather it's through painting, drawing, or writing music--but usually many people consider the word "creative" to be synonomous with "artsy." It's not. Creativity is necessary anytime you encounter any kind of challenge and either don't think you have any options, or are having a hard time deciding which of the many options you do have is the best (in my limited experience, my guess would be in those cases there's just one more option that hasn't been considered that would actually be the best). In seeing that I often have difficulty with the latter issues, I'm seeking out a bit more creativity in my life. You know, part of the problem with me often having too many options and having a hard time deciding on just one is that I'm the type of person that likes to keep my options open. I don't know if that means I have commitment issues (I would assume that that may slightly be the case), but I do know that I can get hung up on wanting to pick the "best" choice, and end up making the worst choice by not making a choice at all. The other problem, of course, it that sometimes when I do make a decision, I start worrying about whether or not it was the right or best decision. You know what? Most of the time it doesn't even matter that much. I would guess that 80% of the decisions we make don't really matter that much--as long as we come up with a decision. So, yeah, I would definitely like to improve my decision-making skills. I really believe that good leaders know how to make decisions--that they're decisive; and, for some reason, I've always felt compelled to be a good leader. Isn't that weird? It's not like I've ever led many people at a time. I guess one theory would be that I wanted to lead other people and I wanted (want) them to like me because then it will validate me. I don't know though. I'm not sure I'm still needing that much validation; I'm really starting to get to know myself much better. And I like myself too--for the most part. Now, it's true, I do get discouraged that I don't have more self-discipline; and I wish I was more organized (the funny thing is, I used to the be the king of organization--I mean, I took it to extremes in High School with my Franklin Day Planner...what happened)? But really, all in all, I like myself. While I'm writing about getting to know onesself, let me just add that I really think that, for me at least, getting to really know who you are, and then consistently being that person, is one of the main purposes of life. What I mean is, once you strip the fear, laziness, ignorance, pride, anger, etc. what do you get? Or, in other words, who would you be and what would you act like if you no long succame (past tense of succumb? succumbed perhaps?) to any external pressures that tend to modify your perception of how you should be. You know maybe the only thing we have to strip is fear (although, ignorance is what, in my opinion, breeds fear, so maybe we have to get rid of ignorance first) because when you think about it, fear is what leads to the other negative emotions/behaviors like laziness (fear of actually trying to accomplish something and finding you weren't good enough; or maybe it's just the fear of succeeding), pride (we're so busy trying to build ourselves up because deep down we're afraid that there isn't somebody truly deserving of anybody's admiration--including our own), you get the picture. So how do we strip out fear? I think that education is key. But when I say education, I'm not just talking about the education that's mentioned in books. I think we need to learn courage by example. You can learn about tennis, but until you play it, you haven't been fully educated. So I do think there's an aspect about confidence that comes down to deciding what you want to do, or what you want to be, and then going out, trusting yourself that it's going to be okay to be bold, and just simply trying your best to be your best self. Now I'm not saying that everybody needs to be "perfect," I tried that for far too long when I was growing up in the Mormon religion--let me tell you, it's not going to happen. What I am saying is that you need to continually build an accurate image of the type of person you really would choose to be if nobody was telling you how you had to be--and then go out and be that person. Discover what keeps you from being your true self, and then, creatively, try to decide how you can overcome those obstacles. My guess is that once you can truly choose who you are, and then consistently be that person--you can then have anything you want in the world, because your confidence can then never be shaken, and as a result, nobody can keep from you the things you truly want. Knowing what you trully want is an entirely different discussion for another morning. I've had fun today--let's do it again. (by the way, this post took 20 minutes. I think I could have kept writing, but I'm kind of hungry, and it's already fairly late in the morning so I'm going to stop now. Besides, they said that I only needed to start writing for 15 minutes, and that eventually I should work my way up to 45)
I keep teasing Stacey that she needs to write everything that we do in her journal--but I actually mean it; although, I'm just now realizing (before I even started making this entry) that if Stacey and I ever split, then I'd miss out on all of those entries. Therefore, I thought I'd make a few entries of my own. The only problem is: it's late and I'm pretty tired, and I'd like to go to bed so I can get up at a decent time tomorrow. But I thought I'd write at least a little something just to get the ball rolling; that way it doesn't seem to daunting the next time I write. I'm starting to doubt that I'm going to write anything at all tonight, mostly because I don't know if I should start at the beginning, or if I should simply start with the most recent highlights I can remember.
I think I'll opt to not write anything, but when I have a little more time, I'll write from the beginning. (I'll make a note to myself to remember some of the highlights though--carving pumpkins, karaoke, park city (don't forget the bath), do I really want this stuff on the internet? I mean, I know it's supposed to be private, but is it???)
I took Elise to the airport today so she could return home. Leaving her there was harder than I had imagined it would be. We had a great weekend together. The school wouldn't let her stay in her dorm past friday, so she moved in with me for a few days. We had such a wonderful time together. We watched movies, ate sushi, laughed...just enjoyed each other so much. Last night we went to Tuscany's for dinner and then to the Bavarian so she could say goodbye to Amanda Juston. We went home, drank wine, and talked into the wee hours of the morning....
I don't know if I'm in love with her. I don't think I'm really ready to feel feelings that strong. But I do care very much for her. And, honestly, I don't know that I've found a person with more balance in their life than her. She is often smiling, enthusiastic, positive...and yet, she is so in touch with reality. She is confident with herself, and doesn't try to get attention or validation by complaining or feeling sorry for herself about anything. Our relationship is so comfortable. We can tease each other, and admire each other at the same time. She is able to still care very much about things (like school, work, etc.) and yet be very laid back about it all. I really admire that. I admire so much about her...and I enjoy being with her so much.
We both realize that now is not the time to take a relationship further...she's young and I'm not emotionally ready either. We both have things we need to experience.
But I will never forget this time we've had. I can't believe how much I miss her. The airport scene was so hard. I just felt like this giant ball was rolling...pulling her away from me and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it.
I like this feeling though. I like knowing that I can feel this way about somebody without being compelled or obligated to feel so.
I'm going to miss her.
Spent the weekend with Elise. I thought I'd write about what I like about her...just in case I forget once she's gone.
Our relationship is very free. I know that she has very strong feelings for me, but we don't rush to saying "I love you" or anything like that. But we both know that each person really likes the other. She is confident in herself and in me. She is so positive. She approaches life with a child-like enthusiasm, and yet she is neither naive or inexeperienced. There is an innocence about her, devoid of naivity, and it's so wonderful to be part of her world.
I think that Elise will accomplish anything she decides she wants to. A life with Elise would be one full of travel, laughter, accomplishment, confidence, security, and happiness. She's not perfect. But she is different. I don't feel like I'm obligated to like her, but I can't help but like her. I'm not afraid of her not liking me either. I don't get jealous and neither does she. It's so refreshing.
It's been a long day. Sara and I went together for another session Joe and Heidi and Julie. It was nice...relaxing...kind of fun. I didn't test for needing any homeopathic meds...which i was happy about. In between sessions, we hung out at the nearby mall and had lunch. Oh, and i bought a shirt. And i got a good deal on it too...
I like spending time with Sara. I kept wanting to hold her hand. I don't know...I like her to be happy. I was thinking about this today, do i want to make her happy out of some obligation, or is it because i love her. Do I feel that because i love her i can't be myself, or feel fulfilled, or have my needs met? This sounds so cliche but is love really enough. Arghh...I just don't know. I love her...but i don't want to be married to her right now. She is so amazing, we have so much fun, but..i don't know...i guess i'm just selfish.
After all the healthy health stuff we did, we went to the Divorce Mediation group of Utah. That was an ordeal...Ugh...Sara was crying, I wanted to cry, but I was the reason we were there. I marked on the form that i wasn't sure when i wanted to go through the divorce process. To tell the truth, i think the reason why i'm still a little unsure is because i could actually see myself wanting to be married to her in the future.
What the hell am i doing???
We had a very silent drive home. I left shortly after. She called me about an hour later asking to meet me at Neilsen's, which I did immediately. We got a custard and then went to the junior high where we walked down the field, sat and talked. She told me that she felt like she finally got her answer that it's okay for her to now ask for the divorce.
For some reason it really hit me hard. The tears welled up in my eyes and i couldn't really speak. Here I am, the man asking for a divorce, and now that she's ready to give it to me...I'm torn apart again.
I hate that she has to go through all of this. I hate that she has to cry herself to sleep at night, that she doesn't have anybody there to put her back in bed when she's sleepwalking. I hate that I'm the one putting her through all of this. I do love her. And I don't want her out of my life.
It was a long drive home.
I hate this.
Quick update (we're talking really condensed version here):
Sara and I are still talking, but we're going to the mediator on Wednesday...when i told her about the appointment, it was a big shock and it was a really bad idea for me to tell her about it while she was at work. I felt bad that it came as such a surprise and that it affected her so much...i don't know what i was thinking, but for some reason i didn't think it would come as much of a surprise to her.
Sometimes...i still wonder if i'm doing the right thing...sara is such an incredible person...a wonderful mom, a great wife, and just an amazing woman in general...am i insane????
Starting a business with Wyett...we met the other day...this is going to be fun.
Dating a girl from one of my classes...her name is Elise...she's tall, blonde, fun and from Norway. I really like her, though we've kind of avoided any strong emotional connection mostly due to the fact that i'm still legally married and she's heading off to Norway in a couple months. Actually, she thinks i'm divorced, which is what i told her because a) i thought the divorce was immenent and b) i didn't expect for things to get very serious between us. I'm sure there will be more to come about her.
I'm learning to speed read...again...i bought a book.
I'm on another improvement kick...can't you see...i'm writing in my journal again.
I have been more honest in this post than i ever have been in a journal. i can't believe that i actually told the truth about Elise...that was really hard for me, but i have to face that facts of what i'm doing...too much pretending to myself was what got me into this problem to begin with.
I think i used to think that if i just rewrote history, that would make my life what it was "supposed" to be. But now...i really need to work with accepting my life for what it is, making it what i want it to be, and being accountable for what it becomes.
oh wow...i really like what i just wrote...i think that is one of the big reasons why people like me should write in a journal from time to time.
